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What did I learn from a meditation retreat Part 1

I just finished a silent meditation retreat that lasted for 6 days with all women meditators, and here are 5 things I have learned:

1. 10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys are all okay when they are held in loving awareness.

I thought retreat would be a period of rest and rejuvenation, it was, but it was also a reminder of 10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys in our life. Within 7 days, I went through dealing with allergies for the first time in my life, fatigue due to allergy, and a laptop broke down. Last but not least, during a yin yoga session with Anne Cushman, the magic of holding a meditative pose and breathing in silence broke my intense emotion of homesickness loose. The homesickness was not something I was expecting to deal with nor I was planning to deal with it. Tears came, and I was quietly yet intensely sobbing while holding the yin yoga pose, with my leg slightly elevated higher than my body. Anne kindly reminded all of us to extend compassion to people who are feeling just like we do, and that compassionate thought helped my emotion to land in the loving awareness of the entire sangha.

Every day during the check-in, we reflected on moments of pure bliss, moments of cannot connect to the practice at all, and so many aha moments as if we truly heard the teaching for the first time. I noticed that my inner state fluctuated a lot and so are other people’s inner states. During the same day, we can move through peace, doubt, restlessness, anger, grief, love, loneliness, and connection.

All of the 10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys are witnessed and held in the loving awareness of the community and then we realized that everything is truly okay. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with our lives. Life contains suffering and joy. The moments of realization during the retreat help me to build that realization muscle outside of the retreat.

I thought retreat would be a period of rest and rejuvenation, it was, but it was also a reminder of ten thousand sorrow and ten thousand joy. Within 7 days, I went through dealing with allergies for the first time in my life, fatigue due to allergy, and a lap

2. Joy truly is magical + Sometimes you do not need to figure out why you are feeling a certain way, just hangout in the space/state you would rather be in

My intense homesickness morphed into two nightmares that night: one about my visa in the U.S, one about I have gone back home and cannot fly out again (yeah I know a special kind of nightmare combo for diasporas). Needless to say, when I woke up, I was tired, unhinged, and not ready to move on to the new topic of the day, joy. I complained in my head: just give me 45 more minutes until I do a serious tonglen practice, to transmute all the pain and suffering into light, then I might be ready to move on to joy. However, that was not the schedule so there I was sitting there and was skeptical/indifferenct about joy. Until we were in the breakout room, I heard about what brought other people joy, small and big things in their life as well as our relationship to joy. I started to think about the loaf of sourdough bread I baked during this retreat, my puppy Jade lying in the grass enjoying the sunshine, and the precious connections that are formed in real life on this retreat. Suddenly I felt as if there was sunlight finally reaching my heart after a cold winter, I felt lighter, warmer and better.

This moment is special for me as this is an real-life example for me of what Dawn shared ‘sometimes you don’t need to figure out why you are feeling a certain way, just hang out more in the space/state you would rather be in’. This is so against my natural way of dealing with emotions. If I feel an intense ‘negative’ emotion, I usually face it head-on, try to get to the roots of the emotion and work on this emotion somehow. However, here I was, not dealing with the homesickness somehow, but not bypassing it either, I was looking at what else was there and I saw clearly that joy was there along with the suffering in my life and in other people’s life. I leaned on joy and it was magical, contagious and it filled up my well.

3.My surprising connection to equanimity: spaciousness + rooted

If you have talked to me about equanimity before this year, I probably cannot connect to it at all. Peace, what is that, from me as a highly sensitive person with intense emotions sometimes feel like hurricanes. However, after going through a sudden family loss again at the end of last year, I realized the importance to treasure the moments of acceptance as much as possible. I felt so drawn to Anne Cushman’s teaching of equanimity this time: spaciousness like the sky and rooted like a mountain or a big tree. With the spaciousness and being rooted, we can mindfully face anything that life might bring us and yes I want that super power that spiritual warriors poses. One image I have been using to evoke the feeling of spaciousness and being rooted, is sitting down in a meditative posture on the top of a mountain overlooking the sky and trees (funny enough I do not hike seriously). One sentence/inquiry that has helped me to access equanimity is this moment is like this. It contains awareness and acceptance, as well as hope. This moment is like this, but that means the next moment may or may not look like this, and that is hope. After this moment is like this, we can gently inquire, what else is here, that usually gently encourage me to look at the okay parts of my life.

Equanimity is a huge practice when it comes to how I related to the retreat. As I mentioned before, we all went through some less than perfect retreat experiences. I was a lot more tired than I hoped, my laptop broke down and I had some of the worse nightmares. Accepting the retreat we are on, the settings we are in is the experience we are having, and practice with whatever comes up, like Anne shared whatever you think is in the way is the way.

4. Metta: center flowers as the most important things in this world, metta about creativity, some more doorways to metta

Metta, loving kindness, arguably is the most well known brahma viharas (heart qualities 四无量心). However again, metta is one quality that I have a hard time connecting to. After listening to Kate Johnson’s dharma talk, one thing that stood out to me metta is centering flowers as the most important thing in this world. Anne then taught about how metta is not about magically wishing everyone’s life has no suffering at all, but to condition our hearts, so that we can act out of love and kindness when people need more love and kindness.

The most important connection to metta for me happened during a silent sit, I suddenly realized that I need to have metta for my own creativity. I know what is good writing, what is good photography and I know my work is not here yet. Somehow I thought bashing myself, and criticizing myself is the way to get to where I want to be with my creativity, but in reality, the overly strict standard just stops me from daring to create and share my creativity with people. Do I dare to share a piece of my creativity when there might be some flowers in an overgrown yard but not all flowers? Do I dare to figure out why good art is good and try to absorb some of the nutrients in my work and have fun creating?

Dawn’s metta meditation is also impactful, having more silence in between metta phrases, add in as much as possible (for example, not wish you to be happy, but wish you be happy as possible), imagining other beings/guides sending me metta instead of trying so hard to sending metta to myself, loving even the part of me that are judgemental and not willing to love myself, all helped me to get more of a taste of metta. Dawn saying that metta practice is her primary practice for almost a decade also was revolutionary for me: oh I do not need to know every practice in this world and even one meditation practice can lead me closer to awakening.

5. Compassion: quivering heart + skillful action; just like me

Compassion, is a heart quality that is so similar to metta, that I still cannot distinguish them clearly, but hey let’s not get lost in the philosophical distinction. Compassion as Leslie Booker explained starts with a quivering heart and leads to skillful action. That quivering heart resonated with me so much. As someone in diaspora, my heart quivers for so many places constantly and skillful actions are not always available for me. It is so easy to give in to compassion’s enemy: overwhelm. For example, my parents are under a covid lockdown and we do not know how long that lock down will last. There is very little I can do across an ocean. Learning when to stop looking at the news, when to do self care, and when to take skillful action is a mindful and rich practice for me. I also need to remind myself that skillful actions to help others do not need to look like grandiose heroic actions, sometimes sharing something as ‘small’ as a flower is enough and is a great first step.

Even when our heart quiver, and when tangible actions are not available, we can still send our compassion: just like me, this person likely has suffered today, even might felt some of the same feelings I felt, I wish you peace and less suffering.

Here is just part 1 of what I learned from the retreat more related to the main teachings. There are a lot of my thoughts and aha moments that will be included in part 2.

2022 Philly 嘈杂与静谧共存


Da y 1 night South Street, Greek Food South Street Souvlaki

day 2 Barnes Foundation, Franklin Institute (不推荐,小孩子太多了), Victory Brewing Company

day 3 National Constitution Center, Betsy Ross’s Home, Philly Steak + 中国城港式三拼饭

day 4 Magical Garden

Barnes Foundation坐落在Benjamin Franklin Parkway上,是这行的亮点。我本来就比较喜欢印象派之类的作品,比起Museum of Fine Art,更好奇这个私人收藏是怎么样的。也是在波士顿的时候,常常去Isabella Gardner Museum,留下的良好印象吧。私人收藏,布置会更混搭,更沙龙化,Barnes Foundation也是这样的。






这次又额外多留意到三个非常喜欢的画家,the Prendergast brothers (有受arts & crafts movement的影响,像更朴实的folk art,有的会有金光)

Henri Rousseau (画拉丁美洲的热带雨林,像梦一般,能看到以后surrealist的一些种子)


还有一些其他的一些喜欢的画,可能会整理个pinterest board出来。

Barnes Foundation在1922年被 Albert C. Barnes 所建立起来,Albert Barnes由于发明了可以治疗婴儿眼疾的药物,而赚了很多钱。Albert 1911年开始收集艺术,基本是这些印象派画家开始画,他就同时代开始买这些画了。所以他的收藏一开始不被人们理解,唯一一次他还在世的时候的公开展览,被报纸批评嘲讽。他决定等到他去世以后,才公开收藏。

Albert对于艺术的布置是非常沙龙式的,希望人们自己去理解去这些艺术作品,所以绘画边上并没有常见的名称+简介。但现在Barnes Foundation搞了一个手机图像搜索的功能,相机扫一扫绘画,就可以出来简介。我非常不喜欢这个过程,比起墙上有简介,更加打破了在当下享受艺术的感觉。他也会选择中西混搭,把艺术品和以前的日常家具放在一起。

Albert在世的时候,还会给自己工厂的员工(大部分是非裔美国人),每天两个小时的时候一起学习讨论哲学,教育和艺术。他很早也开始收藏原住民的一些绘画和手作品,还参与过原住民的prayer dance。一个小彩蛋:艺术馆工作人员看我拍地面的有趣图案,给我介绍这个图案源自原住民的Spirit of Truth Rug。原住民酋长的儿子负责编制这个地毯,谁站在上面就需要说真话。


接下来让我们介绍亮点二,Magical Garden,是艺术家Issiah Zagar为了与自己的抑郁症作斗争而开始做的艺术品。Magical Garden坐落于,Philly的嬉皮中心,South Street。上世纪50年代,费城计划了一条穿过城市的高速公路,要从South Street这里过。于是这里的房价大跌,艺术家们搬到这里来,这里变成了亚文化和嬉皮中心。Magical Garden可谓是,嬉皮的具象化,用废弃的艺术品或者日常的废品,组合起来变成了Art Environment,极具想象力,创造力和生命力的小院落。一眼望去非常震感人心,仔细看又有很多有趣的小细节,里面的路线设计也几乎是移步换景了。



这个艺术品的完成,不仅仅用的是这个艺术家的生命力和创造力,他也需要跟当地的志愿者一起合作来完成这个装置。他还常常飞到墨西哥,跟当地的folk艺术家合作。有一个展示厅的小角落,全是墨西哥folk art。我有一瞬间特别的感动,想到初中时候读的三毛写的墨西哥博物馆里生动的神像,有玉米神有自杀神。这种冥冥之中的指引,小时候觉得好奇的在意的点,使我最终跨越了一个海洋,跟三毛一样看到了这些神像。我在这个角落,默默地对她说了一句感谢。

为什么这个墨西哥folk art这么像关公!

参观Magical Garden也让我看到了工作日白天的South Street,跟周末晚上的South Street完全不一样。第一天晚上的South Street,好像碰上了什么摩托车队的活动,引擎声音和公放音乐声音不断。到处都是穿着黑色皮背心的车队人员,跟我之前看的设定在费城的Daphne’s Dive里的一个也是摩托车队成员的角色,打扮一模一样。还很巧碰到了Epik Hig巡演到费城,街上排了长长地队。队伍对面就是性用品店,披萨店,嬉皮饰品店。而白天的South Street,让我感到更多gentrification的气息,毕竟都有Whole Foods了。

一般推荐的:National Constitution Center, Betsy Ross House。


National Constituition Center的live show舞台是圆形的,观众环绕舞台。presentation和现场演讲穿插得刚好。但是好笑的是taxation without representation is tyranny,这不就是拿签证和绿卡的我们的现状。还有一个讲女性选举权的展览很棒,包含了当时的造型艺术,标语艺术,宣传歌曲,图像设计等等。

Betsy Ross是绣了美国国旗的一位女性,是十八十九世纪的女性创业者了。她给一些政界人士社会名流,做床上用品这些织物。后来还一直绣了,很多国旗军旗养家。她家房子外面,小院子里有好看的玉兰树。


Victory Brewing Compay,食物一般,喜欢比较强啤酒(Belgian Triple)的人可以去。

South Street Souvlaki,moussaka一层土豆一层茄子一层肉加白酱不可能不好吃呀,Soutzakakia希腊肉丸子有特殊的香料我吃不出来,鱿鱼嫩且入味加沙拉上有好吃的油醋汁。

随便挑了一家中国城里的餐馆M Kee,点了烧鸭烧鸡和叉烧的三拼饭,和艇仔粥。艇仔粥还不错,三拼饭的米饭一般,但是三拼还不错。


费城是嘈杂与静谧并存的地方,我可能永远会喜欢South Street的迸发式的生命力和创造力,和Benjamin Franklin Parkway一直到市政府中心上风格迥异的建筑。

如果娜拉们出走到所有的宇宙 -Everything everywhere all at once观后感


在这个电影里的中年娜拉Eveline和年轻的娜拉Joy都出走了,去到了所有的宇宙。joy的depth of pain, depth of longing. She cares so much for making something out of her self, of wanting that hug, to the point she decided it is better to say nothing matters, then at least she wont get hurt。Isn’t that just a mirror version of her mom.

从不理解身边的人,神经系统一直在fight or flight。到最后,依然是平常的生活,但是充满了爱与连接,充满了爱的小的gesture,joy陪爸妈来irs,eveline替丈夫拿包还亲了他,这是从fight or flight 到ventral connection的转变。


这个转变中间经历了到为了救女儿,想要去女儿的世界。变成她就可以救她(接受和理解)。但变成女儿之后,并不能跳出这个问题存在的conciousness level,来解决问题。

突破点在丈夫受了很多伤害以后,在某一个宇宙(丈夫和妻子有最少连接的宇宙里)解释了自己:I look to the brighter side of things, that is how I flight。在当下的宇宙里,丈夫said, we are all fighting because we are scared and confused, I am confused all the time, but one thing I know is that we need to be kind, no more fighting。这就是在看遍了所有的宇宙的awareness,之上加上了loving kindness,that is mindfulness。

在平凡又忙碌的生活中,the husband still chooses small things matter, the googly eyes on things, singing while cleaning up messes, bringing cookies to the tax people.

small things matter, choose to see the brighter side of things, be kind matters, and that is 开悟,那一刻是妻子把googly eye贴到第三眼的时间点

妻子Eveline理解了丈夫会说的, 跟自己的行为融汇贯通。She still continued fighting, but she is fighting in a different way, helping people to find their joys。

接下来这个短暂但是非常情感充沛,迂回真的非常有趣,Eveline想要救女儿Joy;女儿Joy对妈妈Eveline说了她的内心话,妈妈Eveline决定好,听女儿的let her go;到妈妈对于自己内心的坦诚,还是决定要救女儿Joy。

这个过程中还有一个重要角色公公,Eveline的爸爸。作为一个长辈权威和父权社会的缩影,他解决问题的办法,是杀之以防后患,对于外孙女和女儿都是这样。妈妈Eveline想要救女儿Joy,公公一直在派人阻拦,最后自己亲自上阵,机器人手臂禁锢住女儿(这不就是父权社会浓缩成one frame)。Eveline解释了,我不会像你一样,随便不认可自己的女儿。公公理解了,放手了,让女儿Eveline去做自己想做的事情,去救她的女儿。


最后妈妈Eveline决定忠于自己的内心,说出自己的内心话, 要救女儿Joy,丈夫和公公都在后面帮忙。it is okay that we are a mess but I want to be here, I choose to be here even though we can be anywhere. Even it is specks of time, I will cherish the few specks of time。父母对于子女的爱,或许也不一定是要放手,但是有选择过放手,接受放手的前提在,再来坦诚内心,互相连接。


(再来重复一遍开头说的)到最后,娜拉们出走了,但又选择了回来,但是回来的已经不是那个出走的娜拉,而是充满了爱与连接的娜拉。依然是平常的生活,平常的生活却不再禁锢她们,但是充满了爱与连接,是小的gesture,joy陪爸妈来irs,eveline替丈夫拿包还亲了他,这是从fight or flight 到ventral connection的转变。这其实也是我最近最有感触的一点,很多时候不一定是生活要发生什么大的改变,才能变得更幸福。How do we live our life, what never system are we operating,怎么样度过自己的生活,什么神经系统在被使用可能对于我们的幸福与否有更大的影响。同样是去超市买菜,可以是这是个烦人的任务可快结束吧,或者拖延不去,还是去超市了且享受,去看看超市里有没有新鲜没尝试过的水果,跟收银员认真打个招呼,享受今日的阳光。说到ventral connection,给大家推荐一个播客.

我非常喜欢这个电影,不仅仅是因为天马行空的设定,令人捧腹的笑点,仿佛香港电影的打斗场面。非常个人geeky的喜欢的点,关于nerve system switching在生活中看上去是什么样,switch到ventral connection是什么样的生活。我还非常非常喜欢Joy的设定,有暗黑想要摧毁一切,有艺术感有创造力,有性,有不懈,有打破传统的世界的魄力,有longing,有号召力。这是一个真实丰富,在看似颓废和不在意的表面之下,有如同火山爆发一般的生命里的角色。I dont even want to say this is one of the best Asain characters I have seen, this might be one the best female characters I have seen. 更重要的是电影中情感的部分,for once a Western movie did not gloss over the depth of pain and longing in Asian families。对于很多人来说,原谅和重新连接,不上迪斯尼里讲的那么简单的,你看Evelilne要走过所有的宇宙才能达到这个重新连接的点。

Additional thoughts:

  1. The mother, father and daughter represents greed, delusion, and aversion type
  2. what if the multiverse is really reincarnation


Heads up: this episode is an interview in Mandarin with my friend, Simona. She is a Data Analyst now living in Singapore after studying and working in the U.S for many years. We talked about how certain policies impacted her as a child, how a random encounter in college started a healing journey for her; how sharing what she truly wants to explore with her friends and her teachers have attracted more opportunities to connect with people in that field; what is life like after sharing with the world a secret she carried for many years.






少听了很多现场音乐,少看了很多音乐剧,少了很多去蹦迪的机会,少了很多出去玩的机会。但这一年打了疫苗以后还是比去年活动丰富了一些:还是有去Virginia Beach,家人们能来dc跟我们一起度过美国国庆日,能够跟家人一起过感恩节,有两年未见的朋友来dc看望我,也开始一些简单的徒步。面对困境的心态还是强了不少,面对现在新增一百万,也只是买买口罩,不会非常焦虑了。我不认为疫情之后会恢复疫情之前的世界,美国两派意见相左在疫情之中愈加明显,某一些地方可能也不会放弃疫情中更为集中的权力。疫情之中,也有很多人选择开始冥想开始疗愈自己,这些个人的努力可能也会变成改变世界的力量。可能在新世界里,我需要做的是带着恐惧但继续生活,希望2022年能在可能的情况下听更多现场音乐,看更多音乐剧,去更多地方玩。


在早起这个领域躺平了,因为在家远程工作加上公司大部分人都在西海岸,发现不早起也没有什么特别大的问题。我也有读一点点power of when,不是早起的类型就不强求了。更重要的是在精力充沛的时候,用番茄钟集中注意工作,以及在精力充沛的时候尽量少受情绪和外界干扰。但2022年希望能9点半以前起来



玄学给我意义感吧,从6月找人看了我的星盘,确实解答了我对于自己的一些非常固有的习性的疑惑。像及时雨一样的星盘解读,加上夏天有每天坚持写morning pages,跟自己的intuition也连接得更紧密。也正好碰上了行进中的太阳转到我出生星盘中的10宫事业宫,触发了我出生星盘的天王星,就是革新的能量。这几点同时出现,整个夏天,动力足能量也足,事情推进的速度特别快。开始学习星盘解读星盘,重启了播客,也开始重新找工作,也开始尝试coaching他人。今年一共看了35个星盘,也有很多时候星盘能够安慰和解惑到他人。一开始有比较顺利的找到一些播客的嘉宾,从他们身上也有学到很多自我探索的方式。找工作的面试准备也是,这个以往不太自信的领域,能快速找到有用的知识,不再过多怀疑自己。也开始用visualization,来帮助自己准备面试。



四次相遇:开始徒步,跟植物的相遇;跟现在工作的公司,和同事们的相遇,能找到自己觉得有意义的工作,可以将冥想和正念介绍给更多人。加上还有有趣有爱的同事,真的非常幸运;有跟她乡姐妹们面姬,互相欣赏有爱的气氛,也太容易交朋友了; 在长毛象上放飞自己,开始跟一些象友交换礼物,长毛象是我的快乐老家。

一次告别:家属爸爸在圣诞前夕,心脏病突发意外去世了。我们得知消息的时候,刚刚降落在德州,要转机去哥斯达黎加,决定取消旅行飞回俄亥俄。在德州停留了一晚上,家属还经历了anxiety attack,我有用自己知道的呼吸技巧和动态冥想,帮助他平静下来。整个一周多,是家人突然离世的悲伤,加上担心家属的心理状态,加上葬礼的诸多事宜,加上我的奶奶也是9年前十二月底车祸去世的,很多时候都觉得自己已经到了可以承受的极限。这个过程中,有帮助到我的是,每天的冥想,呼吸冥想动态冥想tonglen冥想,加上每天有看一点点Resilient Grieving,和可以跟好友倾诉,还有葬礼上牧师的发言。现在也能重新开始工作,即使知道可能自己注意力没有理想状态中那么集中,但是还是去尝试看看。虽然接下来几个月可能还是会有起起伏伏,但是我对于自己的力量多了很多信心。我能够消化这些困难的事情,我能够在这个过程中学习到新东西,我能够依靠冥想还有我的好友们,我也能够在这个过程中帮助到别人。




好书:Resilient Grieving (好课程 the power of awareness)

好的影视:Greenleaf, Minari, A Spy Gone North, The Rescue, The Pharmacist,隐士

一首好歌:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SW6L_lTrIFg 喜欢这样的阳光和大家在一个屋檐下唱歌


如果不是对徒步感兴趣,一定不会看到这样的景色。First Landing Park.


请填空:2021,___ matters!

2021, exploring matters!


live my truth, help people along the way, be in my body more, do more things just for fun, follow the urgency to share my photos, cooking, writing and what I learned, less reactive (by writing morning pages, daily meditation, frequent body scan)


Heads up: this episode is an interview in Mandarin with my friend, Shiliu. She studied psychology and neuroscience in the U.S and now she is working as a data scientist in Tokyo, Japan.

这期节目请到了,我在穿堂风堂主的100天打卡群里认识的十六。十六之前每天都在发b站视频,话题是我很感兴趣的人生理念等等,所以我就邀请了十六来录这期播客。十六之前在美国念了心理和神经科学,现在却在日本东京做data scientist。我们聊了这个转行换国家的过程,她的很多自我探索的方法,现在在探索的一些话题和方向。以及她的父亲中年转行对她的影响,和成为一个母亲对她的自我探索的影响。从十六这里学到了特别多的方法,但更重要的是获得了清醒面对生活和无论什么时候都可以勇敢地选择自己想做的事情的力量。

Show Notes:

01:47 选择去美国的考虑过程和在美国的求学经历
04:57 为什么从心理转到neuroscience,为什么又从neurosceince转到了data science,从美国去了日本
13:45 在找工作的过程中学日语,快速试错
14:29 分享自我探索和成长的方法,第一个是快速迭代试错
14:59 方法二写日记,写对自己情绪和想法的insight,也可以用过去的自己鼓励现在的自己
17:34 方法三跟有insight的朋友聊天、录播客聊一聊心里面的烦恼和探索
18:37 方法四按照ABC理论分析:A是不利事件,B是我们的belief,C是consequence。
20:30 如何消化快速迭代试错的打击:调整对自己的期待,明确自己做这件事情的价值(不一定是要外在看上去的成功)
21:25 方法五看书,收集让自己为之一振的句子,常常读来巩固自己的人生理念
22:01 方法六看给予人勇气、符合人生理念的电影
22:58 方法七play the wild card,天马行空的探索,没有尝试过的事情就去试一试
23:49 天马行空的探索之一:做B站视频。拒绝正确模板式的人生,活出自己的人生。把自己学会的东西跟大家讲,加速学习的过程
26:45 最近的探索之二:跟自然、宇宙、科学发展有关系的话题
29:43 最近的探索之三:想要开设关于提高自我认同感的课程:你活在这个世界上的价值是圆满的,起点就是一百分,而不是负一百分
31:08 父亲作为一个心理老师的影响,小于看到他选择人到中年换跑道,勇敢地尝试新的职业的影响。
36:37 生小孩对自我探索的影响:会更加珍惜时间,会接触到一些以前完全不感兴趣的话题和学科,可以完整观察一个人类幼崽的成长过程。
38:31 跟另一个生命的深度连接会更能体会到生命的深度
41:34 对小孩的好的生活的期待:保持求知欲,可以跌倒又爬起来

All Platform Listening link: https://pod.link/asmallgathering/episode/d58f9cc51737f0c5559df9e9ccb7ee69

小宇宙收听连接 https://www.xiaoyuzhoufm.com/podcast/619aff519be3e0f25948ccf9?s=eyJ1IjogIjVlYjMyOWQ4OWM3MzVmOWNmNGY2Yzg4YiJ9

Ep7: 艺术家的务实人生

Heads up: this episode is an interview in Mandarin with my friend, Merlin. He graduated from Berklee College of Music and now works in Shanghai as music director for a gaming company.

这期节目请到了,我初中时候的好朋友Merlin。他高中就去了美国,大学进入了伯克利音乐学院,学music productioin。现在在上海的一个游戏公司,做music director。这次的促膝长谈,让我意外地发现:他作为一个,搞艺术的,有非常务实和理性的一面,对自己的要求也很高。Merlin也分享了很多实用的方法:如何调整自己的心态,如何对自己有清晰的认知,如何探索自我等等。

Show Notes:

1:30 为什么选择做音乐类型的工作?

3:50 进入伯克利音乐学院之后,群英荟萃,怎么调整自己的心态?

4:25 毕业之后的就业过程是怎么样的?从自己做到广告公司在进入游戏,从乙方到甲方的考虑?

9:43 声音在游戏里起到什么样的作用?音乐和音效有什么不一样的作用?

13:00 自我探索的方式:要认清自己的目标,找到自己喜欢的事情,判断自己在哪里,定计划表,在可行的范围内努力。

14:08 如何定义自己可行的范围

16:35 长远的目标有什么?对技术和代码的学习

18:09 解决问题的快感,与创作的快乐不同在哪里?

18:49 怎么样才能找到自己喜欢做的事情?如何同时考虑现实?

20:24 怎么样才能对自己开始有清晰的认知?身边人的反馈多大程度上有用?

22:25 自己的努力多大程度是内卷,多大程度是自己对自己的要求?

26:26 在钱和创作中要做一个平衡,你会怎么选择?

28:28 给自己的title是什么?

Ep6: 代码灵修元体验|当我们在讨论如何探索人生

所有平台收听链接 pod.link/asmallgathering

A heads up: this episode is an interview recorded in Mandarin, a bit different from my previous episodes.

From studying in Canada, to going back to China to work in Beijing, to being a digital nomad in Southeast Asia, then coming back to Vancouver to work, my guest shared with me what methods have worked her to find her path: exploring new skills and new paths, reflecting back to childhood, and spiritual exploration.


2:25 自我探索是一个自然的过程,会有不同的契机让你开始探索

6:41 在北京的reverse culture shock和reality check,但也有认识有趣的朋友

11:25 数字游民的缘起和体验

14:50 遇到喜欢佛学的老板,开始探索佛学灵修,《正见》

16:15 这段时间是existential crisis吗?怎么度过?

17:50 如果不能换城市换工作,还有什么自我探索的方式?将自己从日常生活中抽离出来

20:39 另一种自我探索的方式,元体验,《大師熱愛的工作》

24:40 现在探索的棍老师感兴趣的点,代码作为看世界的方式和创作工具

31:10 不断去尝试跟这件事情发生链接,有一天会click

32:03 对于灵修会持续感兴趣,需要持续的探索和修正自己走的路

33:38 如何认知人生的迷茫,棍老师对于人生的愿景,想明白自己想做什么,每天真心的快乐

35:17 棍老师的快乐包括什么?如何找自己的快乐?

37:46 棍老师对于工作的期待?帮助的性质和有影响力,思考如何与商业平衡






Bread Making, Preferments and More


间接法 using preferments





1. Poolish 波兰种,液种

100% 面 : 100% 水 : 0.25% 酵母


用来制作比较硬的面团,比如法棍,country loaves,crusty breads

2. Biga 毕格种,中种*

100% 面 : 55% 水 : 0.25% 酵母





3. Pâte Fermentée 法国老面

100% 面 : 60% 水 : 1% 酵母, plus 2% 盐 (唯一一个含盐的种)




4. Sponge 海绵种

100% 面 : 60% 水 : 1% 酵母



Food 52 Preferments 有很多如何转换方子的公式 https://food52.com/blog/17140-preferments-and-how-to-adapt-any-bread-recipe-to-use-one

直接法 not using preferments

1. Tangzhong 汤种法,烫种法





2. 水合法 Autolyse








小一点的厨房讲的关于中种 https://youtu.be/DdsgYn2IgA4

米老师讲的关于水合 https://m.dealmoon.com/guide/944768

Engage in the society in a mindful way

“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.” 

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

我很清楚自己在昨天被所看到的新闻改变了,昨晚今早都在想同一个问题:我如何打破以往对于新闻关注的循环。以往是两周陷入新闻里,现实生活照顾不好,两周以后burn out,我再将眼睛调开不再去看。

如同Victor Frank说的一样,我想昨日的新闻,或许是what life expected from我们这一代人collectively. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct。

然而交出答卷的时间线可能会拉得很长很长,在这漫长的岁月里,我们要如何能做到关注新闻,做力所能及的参与却不完全burn out。我们要如何确保till we meet again的时候,我们不是仅仅剩下一个空壳,内里只有愤怒和苦楚。


1. 每个人都必须要去面对这个现实,没有一个人有完整的答案,我们每个人都有拼图的一小部分。我能贡献的是什么呢,最后我的切入点是从自己的character strengths里找到的,spirituality。我也非常期待看到,大家运用自己的长处。

2. Taking a sit is taking a stand。在这个漫长的参与过程中,self care是保持内心平和的重要方式。一些我自己的self care:每天早上冥想45分钟,写三页morning page(很好的自我宣泄但又不会给任何人带来痛苦)情绪上来的话,用shaking & dancing发泄出去。需要练习的是,在危机出现的时候,及时回到自己的身体里,做grounding exercise,与朋友一起观察,我们的情绪出现在身体的何处,按时吃饭睡觉健身。


National Trauma–Now What? | Jon Kabat-Zinn Special  https://www.happyscribe.com/public/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/313-national-trauma-now-what-jon-kabat-zinn-special-edition

A Wise and Counterintuitive Way to Meditate in a Crisis | Lama Rod Owens https://www.happyscribe.com/public/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/314-a-wise-and-counterintuitive-way-to-meditate-in-a-crisis-lama-rod-owens

3. Engaged Buddhism 入世佛教的14条准则

新版更详细 https://plumvillage.org/mindfulness-practice/the-14-mindfulness-trainings/

旧版更简约 https://www.thewayofmeditation.com.au/14-principles-engaged-buddhism

principle 2 “Do not think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views”


principle 3 “Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness”


这一点也与一个播客重叠 How to Call People In (Instead of Calling Them Out) | Loretta Ross https://www.happyscribe.com/public/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/316-how-to-call-people-in-instead-of-calling-them-out-loretta-ross

principle 6 “Do not maintain anger or hatred. Learn to penetrate and transform them when they are still seeds in your consciousness. As soon as they arise, turn your attention to your breath in order to see and understand the nature of your hatred.”

这个可能是我觉得非常重要的一条吧,虽然愤怒会让我们意识到有什么是不对的。但实际去改变的时候,停留在愤怒里,还是转换到一个更mindful的状态,做出来的事情效果可能是不一样的。我相信是内在的平和是可以改变外在的,这一点上我还有想看的书:the inner work of social justice。

4. Buddhism & Social Change 佛教与社会改变


分清楚compassion和empathy,empathy是让被别人的情绪分享进来,很容易产生burn out。compassion是一种更积极的情绪,希望对方的状态有所改变。这一点是有一个更具体的视频,我还没看完 https://youtu.be/FVpdon6YErY

Non attachment 要去做事,要去参与,但是不能期待一个一定的结果

Focus on the positive 不要看太多新闻,这是dwell on the beliefs and actions of the foolish。我们做事情是从愤怒状态出发,还是从爱与信心的角度出发

Focus on the goal 长远看来事情一定都是时时刻刻在改变的,没有完美的结局。但是我们的目标,是减少人们的苦痛,减少贪欲等等。


5. Learned helpless myth 习得性无助的“谎言”


“Passivity in response to shock is not learned. It is the default, unlearned response to prolonged aversive events and it is mediated by the serotonergic activity of the dorsal raphe nucleus, which in turn inhibits escape. This passivity can be overcome by learning control, with the activity of the medial prefrontal cortex, which subserves the detection of control leading to the automatic inhibition of the dorsal raphe nucleus.”


然而50年后,当年发文的作者,又发了一篇paper,链接在上面,表示他们got it backwards。不逃跑,是对于长期负面事件的自然反应,而不是学到的。这个不逃跑,可以通过学习控制,来克服。


6. How to read the news mindfully 如何mindfully读新闻


7. More materials:

The inner work of racial https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44490676-the-inner-work-of-racial-justice

Plum Village, The Diamond Cutting Through Fear 也是social justice相关的Dharma Talk,我看了一半还没看完

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