Ying Gathering

Heal your past, Find your purpose, Live consciously, Self actualize

闲谈2 | 人生有剧本吗?世界观的来回拉扯

这期其实是四月底录制的,但是由于后来出门旅行等等原因,拖到现在才剪完。这期的一些灵感来源,来自展开讲讲播客的脱离社会面幸福的那个博客。

这期闲谈,你将听到:

拉扯我的两个世界观,万事靠自己vs宇宙是善意的相信宇宙

我到现在也没有形成一个统一性的玄学世界观

讲了小岛上做环境教育实习,以及研究生毕业之后,住在有美东伯克利之称的小镇的经历,都是宇宙给的一些信号。

我也不是没有尝试过进入轨道,但是具体怎么样请在播客听~

那在这个奔三的当下,觉得以后会按照什么样的世界观活呢?相信直觉,follow your pull。

4月底当时在做的事情,以及对于做的事情的节奏的思考。

喜欢这期播客的话,请在apple podcast苹果播客里给我打分留言,也可以在小宇宙里给我评论。有什么的建议,都可以在评论里说或者发邮件给我。

Where to find me:
🕸️ 个人网站 :https://yinggathering.com

📕 玄学小红书:@探索的星星

🔵 ADHD Twitter 账号:@adhdasiangirl

邮箱:yinggathering@gmail.com

Ep15: 退出有限游戏,我和宇宙玩信任背摔

今天这期节目,我首先是为她乡播客制作的,现在放在我自己的播客小型聚会上。

她乡里的苔岛,也可以叫她语煊,讨论了比时下大家常常谈论到的旅居,更颠覆的一种生活方式。她从互联网大厂的产品经理出走,选择不上班。不上班或许不是大家想象的脑子一热的决定,而是想要拓展人生活法,在当下更细致地感受世界和自己,想要相信自己相信宇宙的一种尝试。语煊也跟我讨论了很多实际性的话题,决定不上班的过程,不上班了以后要做什么,如果应对自我的怀疑等等。

这期节目你将听到:

  • 不上班之前是什么样的状态
  • 为什么会选择不上班?这个决定过程是怎么样的?
  • 不上班了之后要做什么?
  • 从有限游戏中跳出,去玩自己的人生独特剧本,找到自己的人生灯塔。
  • 如何应对来自外界的压力或者自我的怀疑?
  • 从小事情开始尝试和冒险,能做到以前的自己害怕或者想都不敢想的事情,逐渐开始更信任自己。
  • 保持广义的创造状态,借力打力的充电方式,顺其自然的创作方式。
  • 不上班的日常生活是怎么安排的?
  • 不上班如何察觉和稳定平衡自己的长期状态?
  • 不上班的社交生活是怎么样的?
  • 从小冒险开始累积,逐渐逐渐将自己带去全新的地方,相信自己相信宇宙。
  • 不上班的经济来源

喜欢这期播客的话,请在apple podcast苹果播客里给我打分留言,也可以在小宇宙里给我打分和评论。有什么的建议,都可以在评论里说或者发邮件给我。

Where to find me:
🕸️ 个人网站 :https://yinggathering.com

📕 玄学小红书:@探索的星星

🔵 ADHD Twitter 账号:@adhdasiangirl

邮箱:yinggathering@gmail.com

Ep14: 来都来了多出去玩吧的户外指南

今天这期节目,我首先是为她乡播客制作的,现在放在我自己的播客上。

这期节目桥桥跟我们分享了如何户外进阶的心得和心法,我在剪辑播客的时候,发现这些心法在人生这场游戏中也很使用!这期节目你将听到:

  • front country和back country的区别
  • 最美好的户外记忆
  •  推荐的入门项目:因地制宜
  • 如何锻炼体力
  • 如何攒里程数,以及提高对自己的状态的觉察。alltrails上大家写的时间准确吗?
  • 户外的心态:怎么不被网络上的户外文章所影响,怎么克服自己不想玩。来都来啦再向前走走,很多时候是为了惊喜继续走下去,专注自己和身边的人。
  • 如何控制入门成本
  • 户外最值得花钱的是什么
  • 没有车怎么出去玩
  • 户外的美食

喜欢这期播客的话,请在apple podcast苹果播客里给我打分留言,也可以在小宇宙里给我打分和评论。有什么的建议,都可以在评论里说或者发邮件给我。

Where to find me:
🕸️ 个人网站 :https://yinggathering.com

📕 玄学小红书:@探索的星星

🔵 ADHD Twitter 账号:@adhdasiangirl

邮箱:yinggathering@gmail.com

闲谈 | ADHD确诊半年以后在干什么

趁着3月28号行进中的木星和水星合相,表达欲望暴涨的时候,开了自己的闲谈系列。

  • 闲谈究竟会谈什么?
  • 我最近一分为三的生活里,在干些什么?
  • ADHD确诊半年以后,目前的日常生活的安排。
  • 作为内容创作者,我的四个恐惧。
  • 三月份收集到的指南针问题,关于人生也关于内容创作。

Ep13: ADHD确诊之后的对谈

今天这期节目,我首先是为她乡播客制作的,现在放在我自己的播客上。论坛里有很多关于神经多样性的讨论,包括ADHD,谱系人士等等。这期的制作人aka我在论坛里发布了自己确诊ADHD的帖子,引起了很多讨论,论坛乡友典典在读到我的帖子后意识到很多症状和自己很相似,之后也确诊了ADHD。

这期节目,我和 典典 一起讨论了我们的成长经历,ADHD对于我们的影响,确诊ADHD的经过以及确诊后对生活的变化。

欢迎大家来twitter上来找我玩,叉子的adhd twitter账号

欢迎你来和乡友们一起讨论,探索世界也认识自己🫶🏻。

【⚠️】因为嘉宾都长期工作生活在英语环境中,工作的语言是英文,在本期播客的语言表达中会有大量中英文夹杂的情况。介意的朋友请不要点开。 这期节目不作为任何医学建议,如果有需要,请大家寻求医学帮助。论坛里也有如何寻求医学帮助的建议。

这期节目你会听到:

  • 小时候的我们是怎么样的?怎么开始怀疑自己是ADHD的?
  • 确诊的过程?
  • 确诊之后的反应?有什么很难消化的部分?有什么松了一口气的部分吗?
  • 确诊之后现在对于adhd的态度,在了解什么呢?
  • “坏处”换个角度看就是长处
  • 把adhd当作是一个特点,而不是一个缺点
  • 对自己的态度和方式有改变吗?
  • 对自己更有耐心,用其他人的tips的时候,会根据自己的实际情况去改变这个建议。
  • 有很多摸索出来的办法,比如与人一起做事情,比如常常轮换做事情的方式等等。

English Outline

  • What were we like when we were young? How did we start to suspect that we had ADHD?
  • What was the process of diagnosis like?
  • What was our reaction after being diagnosed? Were there any difficult parts to digest? Were there any parts that made us feel relieved?
  • After being diagnosed, what is our attitude towards ADHD now? What have we learned about it?
  • Looking at the “downsides” from a different perspective can be seen as advantages.
  • Treating ADHD as a characteristic rather than a flaw.
  • Have our attitudes and approaches towards ourselves changed?
  • We are more patient with ourselves and when using tips from others, we modify them based on our own situation.
  • There are many trial and error methods, such as working with others, or frequently rotating the way we work, and so on.

资源链接:


主持、后期:叉子 (可以找到叉子的adhd twitter账号) 嘉宾:典典 (典典之前参与她乡的coffee chat,聊关于她的职业和学业发展) 音乐:Summertime – Dreamy Piano Ballad by JuliusH

Ep12: 催不生大会-下

这期我请到了zuzu和时计,来跟我聊聊我们对于自己人生中的生育的观点。这期下,欲知前情,请收听ep11。这期我们讲到了:

  • 家长是否真的无条件爱小孩
  • 养育小孩可能会让我们重新回溯自己的童年
  • 我们是遭受到了女性特定的压迫的,怕犯错误的一代。
  • 要保护小孩的自尊心,对自己有肯定,可以去探险。对自己的能力,优势,劣势,有清楚的认知而且接纳。
  • 也不是小孩十八岁,家长就能解放了,还会有兵荒马乱的中年,以及养老是个伪命题。
  • 自己去体验人生,即使做得不好也可以去做,跟自己的inner child的连接。不用在意到什么时间应该做什么的期待,对自己自信一点。
  • 不生小孩不代表亲密关系有问题,生小孩反而可能是对亲密关系的巨大考验
  • 新生儿夜晚的科普,小孩对大人注意力的影响
  • 高敏感娃 special need,公共教育系统的支持
  • 如何跟父母沟通自己不生育的决定 – 把对幸福的标准和定义告诉他们
  • 承担社会责任不一定是通过养孩子的方式

2022总结

2022过得如何?长大之后的人生跟过去比较,总觉得好的更好,坏的更坏。命运好似认定了我什么都可以接受,就这样一年一年增加情绪范畴,替我训练心灵肌肉。但2022过的是比2021,2020都好不少的,重建了一些疫情之后的生活,也自己推翻了一些生活里的秩序。

高光

1月底和4月底参与了两次为期一周的meditation retreat,一个是印度教的,一个是纯mindfulness(有写感受可以看之前的博客)。3月去费城玩,同一个周末申请领养梦中情狗Jade。1-5月中旬,其实很喜欢我当时的工作,也积累了很多新的技能。host大型的线上课程,怎么搭建课程框架,怎么面对铺天盖地的客户反映。5月第一次在现实生活中上街反对禁止堕胎,和象友们一起去的。6月份很幸运实地看到的第一套房子就很喜欢,周围的社区和房子本身的layout都喜欢。没有跳过任何检查也没有跟其他人有bid war,顺利地买下这套房子。6月份探索了一些公园和public bbq。7月份在家复刻韩式烤肉,跟小伙伴录了催不生大会播客。8月份去芝加哥玩,又面姬了象友们。9月份确证了adhd,开始学data相关。10月份在新居住地附近探索了一些秋景,今年的叶子特别美。10月份离职学完了Google data analytics certificate,学了一个星盘课程,去了Charlottesville给家属庆生。11月开始认真学习星盘以及做adhd相关的content,接触了一下雷诺曼。12月份,录了一个adhd相关的播客,星盘和塔罗解读又开始啦。学习用星盘看运势,学习塔罗,学习yule相关的习俗。年末当然要挑战自己做大餐,虽然每次都有一道翻车的小点心,但是总体还是技术有上升,毕竟自己能擀意大利面了。

实际上穿插的

非常非常多次的政治抑郁,2月份的乌克兰战争的开始,3月底开始一直到6月初我爸妈和我的闺蜜们在上海经历了严酷的封控,我看着却什么也做不了(后来8月份的时候就自己强行学习了怎么海外用淘宝)。5月份的,推翻Roe v Wade的决定,也是内心一沉。10月份的毫无悬念的连任,明明知道是无望,但是真正经历的时候却还是非常难以接受。12月的无序放开,更是让人不明白为什么要遭这么多罪。但也意识到,做事情和发声,是抵抗政治抑郁的最佳方式,就像不明白播客采访的那些抗争者所说的。

6月开始意识到自己厌班了,试图在前司探索其他路线,但是无果。8月份在芝加哥玩完回来,经历了非常burn out的工作schedule,也是出去玩让我更意识到了我想要的是什么,爱和连接。10月份的时候,又收到了一个上半年合作沟通很多的老师,意外去世的消息。

意外的感恩

从养狗子前的焦虑到头两周的崩溃,到现在能理解狗子的小心思,每天都收到她好多的爱,也很努力地在爱她。费城的艺术邂逅,请看之前的游记。芝加哥的中餐,芝加哥的夜聊,芝加哥的art deco建筑让我想起上海!Jefferson故居的植物,抚慰了我的几近panic attack的内心。11月初民主党在选举中扛住了,没出现red wave。重回kpop的怀抱,要是没有kpop给我兜底,我可能更难恢复心情。

看了三次live concert,4月份的Kaleo,7月份的小型jazz bar演出,8月份的Leon Bridge。Kaleo真的没有废话,上台就唱,还兼顾了好多上一张专辑(A/B)的歌曲,我从18年等巡演到现在真的很满足了。好像还跟家属或者朋友出去蹦了拉丁迪了三次,蹦到最后dc的music scene已经完全edm化了,我也是挥挥手告别没有一丝留念。

意外的adhd的确诊,离职以后跟前同事保持了朋友般的联系。

最没有想到的是10月份的海外海报接力活动,11月底人们开始抗争反对封控以及海外中国人的回应。出现了很多很多我以为,可能要几十年以后才会看见的场面。还有抗争中,人们的创造力和多样性。

kpop在看什么

地狱开头的年初还在消化家属爸爸的意外离世的时候,意外看了smtown家族演唱会,就已经很感恩smtown能每年免费造福大众了。2月份昌珉的solo出了一首非常有blues风格的歌曲直接把我带回kpop坑里了(超级推荐max changmin的devil, alien和manic)

现在更喜欢看的kpop里展现出来的多种多样的女性力量,少女天才rapper李咏知参与的两部综艺《地球游戏厅》+《没准备什么菜》,jaejae作为女pd所制作的《文明特快》。youtube和tiktok,让节目的流程更不拘泥于某种形式,每一次都会根据来宾作很多调整,尤其是文明特快每一期所作的功课太令人佩服了。李咏知身上的蓬勃的生命力,典型的gen Z多线发展的女性。可以在综艺上素颜出演,也可以在自己的综艺里让kpop爱豆放松真诚连接。可以跳舞,也可以rap唱歌。Jaejae和咏知都没有被某一种身份局限住,在以前的电视台时代,可能她们只能是搞笑女。但是现在她们可以自己做pd或者主持人,探索自己创作的边界。《地球游戏厅》里全女性嘉宾的连接,互相坦诚信任,给彼此拍照和姐妹一起搞怪。一起在深夜里看星星,或者谈哲学到底什么是爱。这难道不是我们所有成年人,都希望能够拥有的友情吗。(四个kpop亡灵的猜歌曲问答很好笑!看她们兢兢业业,开着玩笑就自己搞满拍摄素材,强大的游戏力和互相配合。老罗吃瘪,时代的对撞,也是一大看点)

Honorable mention:二代女团的回归-少女时代和Kara,好喜欢女孩子的事业心啊!Kara的when I move,不是粉也会觉得好听的歌曲。Mamadol也是一二代女团回归,看到女孩子依旧追梦,很感人。五代女团的百花齐放,什么样风格的都有。

影视

能碰到人生影视剧,应该是很稀少的体验。2022年不但碰到了,还碰到了两部半。一部是电影《妈的多重宇宙 》,一部是韩剧《我的解放日志》,半部是综艺《地球游戏厅》+《没准备什么菜》。

《妈的多重宇宙》好险是在完全厌班之前的四月下旬看的,不然这种人生完全无意义不如我们一起来与宇宙共毁灭,肯定会把我带进去。跟可爱的小伙伴们聊过一集关于这个电影的播客,欢迎收听。我最喜欢的当然是亚洲亲情的淋漓尽致地展现,恨也有爱也有,绝望也有希望也有,桎梏也有想放手也有。还有女儿作为”大反派”,是为自己找不到人生意义而反,不是为了男人或者其他得不到的东西。这里有一个新的补充点是,导演之一在创作这个电影的过程中确诊了ADHD,Evelyn的设定也是有未确诊断的ADHD。https://www.salon.com/2022/04/17/everything-everywhere-all-at-once-daniels-adhd/

《我的解放日志》是五月下旬开始看的,起因是到处看到人推荐这个剧,一开始以为是什么抗战剧。直到搞玄的贝拉老师也推荐了这个剧,我就开始看了。整个传达得非常细腻,只有亚洲剧能做到的细腻。压抑,觉得人生很累,得不到自己想要的东西。兄妹三人展现出来的应对方式是贪嗔痴,有尽力做更多的,有一直在抱怨的,有心态上逃避希望他人帮自己解决问题的。转变的开始,是开始倾听自己内心的声音,想做的事情就不在乎他人看法,开始做一点。跟其他人产生真实的连接以后,会觉得自己是更可爱的,不管做什么都是可以被接受的。每一件开心的事情,积累开心的几秒钟,积累到五分钟就可以继续走下去了。我在看这个剧的时候,也是自己生活中觉得很压抑的时候,所以剧的前半段,看得我过于有代入感了。转变之后也很真实,也不是人生从此就平步青云了。大家还是会怀疑自己,还是有很多问题要处理,但是可以多相信自己多爱自己一点了。我所经历的夏天和秋天,也是我自己的解放过程。从传统职场中出走了,相信自己爱自己,会不会让这一次的出走探险延续得更长一些呢。

Honorable mention:

梦华录 (实景美,人美,一开始剧情紧凑。还有很多女性之间的互助和爱)

Dying to Know: Ram Dass & Timothy Leary(给我们做house inspection的小哥,有过near death experience,跟我们说起冥想,神,Ram Dass这些。给我推荐了这部纪录片,让我更了解了Ram Dass成为Ram Dass之前是谁,以及Timothy Leary对于60年代的影响之大)

How to Change Your Mind (由同名书adapt的纪录片,这次看纪录片的时候,一个突出的想法是,60年代做psychedelic实验的人们,是怎么熬过了漫长的几十年的无法做这些实验的岁月)

Workin’ Moms (motherhood的真实性,或许会解除一些对于母职的紧张,或许会让人根本不想生孩子。很喜欢这部剧的女导演,也是主演)

非常律师禹英禑(可能是亚洲第一部以自闭症人士,作为主角的电视剧。演员演绎得很好,体现出来的case,也都是有更大的社会议题关怀的。比如lgbtq+,比如环境保护vs城市发展)

打包袱 (少女时代的Yuri主演的历史剧,所有角色都演技在线。剧情紧凑,也让我更了解到光海君在位时期的历史)

The Crown 前两季(第三第四季其实也还可以,但是渐渐的有太多的Diana和Charles。由于看这个,还看了很多讲皇室的History Tea Time)

Dolly Parton: Here I Am (在看似轻松的country music里,写了很多女性现实状况的歌手。即使这么受欢迎,也有十五年左右的低潮期,但是这些时间里还是继续在创造音乐和巡演。Believe you got something to offer to this world, and offer it.)

My Next Guest with David Letterman and Volodymyr Zelenskyy (清醒,真实,有感染力的英雄)

Tokyo Godfather(不管是什么看上去不符合社会规训的人,都是值得被爱的)

可惜的

没有看到Khruangbin的现场

ring fitness落灰啦,新年要用起来!

Ep11: 催不生大会-上

这期我请到了zuzu和时计,来跟我聊聊我们对于自己人生中的生育的观点。这期是上,可能会有中和下!这期我们讲到了生育可能带来的对于自我探索的影响,对于自我空间消失的担心。child care有哪些可能性,childcare到底有多贵又能照顾到小孩多少时间。小朋友跟家长的能量能match到吗。如果没有match到,和小朋友一起探索世界也是一种可能性。对于跟我们有二三十岁代沟的小朋友,到底应该怎么面对。

多平台收听链接

Ep10:当多重宇宙碰上哲学和怪诞

这期我邀请到了柴柴和猫猫,跟我聊最近大家都喜爱的电影:妈的多重宇宙, everything everywhere all at once。我们讨论了让人印象深刻的打斗场景,小家庭里一家三口对待世界的方式,母亲与女儿作为正反派,怎么理解母亲对女儿放手又拉回来等等。

电影的简介:When an interdimensional rupture unravels reality, an unlikely hero must channel her newfound powers to fight bizarre and bewildering dangers from the multiverse as the fate of the world hangs in the balance. 剧情讲述一位华裔移民卷入了一场疯狂的冒险,她独自一人能透过探索其他宇宙来拯救世界。

多平台收听链接

What did I learn from a meditation retreat Part 1

I just finished a silent meditation retreat that lasted for 6 days with all women meditators, and here are 5 things I have learned:

1. 10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys are all okay when they are held in loving awareness.

I thought retreat would be a period of rest and rejuvenation, it was, but it was also a reminder of 10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys in our life. Within 7 days, I went through dealing with allergies for the first time in my life, fatigue due to allergy, and a laptop broke down. Last but not least, during a yin yoga session with Anne Cushman, the magic of holding a meditative pose and breathing in silence broke my intense emotion of homesickness loose. The homesickness was not something I was expecting to deal with nor I was planning to deal with it. Tears came, and I was quietly yet intensely sobbing while holding the yin yoga pose, with my leg slightly elevated higher than my body. Anne kindly reminded all of us to extend compassion to people who are feeling just like we do, and that compassionate thought helped my emotion to land in the loving awareness of the entire sangha.

Every day during the check-in, we reflected on moments of pure bliss, moments of cannot connect to the practice at all, and so many aha moments as if we truly heard the teaching for the first time. I noticed that my inner state fluctuated a lot and so are other people’s inner states. During the same day, we can move through peace, doubt, restlessness, anger, grief, love, loneliness, and connection.

All of the 10,000 sorrows and 10,000 joys are witnessed and held in the loving awareness of the community and then we realized that everything is truly okay. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with our lives. Life contains suffering and joy. The moments of realization during the retreat help me to build that realization muscle outside of the retreat.

I thought retreat would be a period of rest and rejuvenation, it was, but it was also a reminder of ten thousand sorrow and ten thousand joy. Within 7 days, I went through dealing with allergies for the first time in my life, fatigue due to allergy, and a lap

2. Joy truly is magical + Sometimes you do not need to figure out why you are feeling a certain way, just hangout in the space/state you would rather be in

My intense homesickness morphed into two nightmares that night: one about my visa in the U.S, one about I have gone back home and cannot fly out again (yeah I know a special kind of nightmare combo for diasporas). Needless to say, when I woke up, I was tired, unhinged, and not ready to move on to the new topic of the day, joy. I complained in my head: just give me 45 more minutes until I do a serious tonglen practice, to transmute all the pain and suffering into light, then I might be ready to move on to joy. However, that was not the schedule so there I was sitting there and was skeptical/indifferenct about joy. Until we were in the breakout room, I heard about what brought other people joy, small and big things in their life as well as our relationship to joy. I started to think about the loaf of sourdough bread I baked during this retreat, my puppy Jade lying in the grass enjoying the sunshine, and the precious connections that are formed in real life on this retreat. Suddenly I felt as if there was sunlight finally reaching my heart after a cold winter, I felt lighter, warmer and better.

This moment is special for me as this is an real-life example for me of what Dawn shared ‘sometimes you don’t need to figure out why you are feeling a certain way, just hang out more in the space/state you would rather be in’. This is so against my natural way of dealing with emotions. If I feel an intense ‘negative’ emotion, I usually face it head-on, try to get to the roots of the emotion and work on this emotion somehow. However, here I was, not dealing with the homesickness somehow, but not bypassing it either, I was looking at what else was there and I saw clearly that joy was there along with the suffering in my life and in other people’s life. I leaned on joy and it was magical, contagious and it filled up my well.

3.My surprising connection to equanimity: spaciousness + rooted

If you have talked to me about equanimity before this year, I probably cannot connect to it at all. Peace, what is that, from me as a highly sensitive person with intense emotions sometimes feel like hurricanes. However, after going through a sudden family loss again at the end of last year, I realized the importance to treasure the moments of acceptance as much as possible. I felt so drawn to Anne Cushman’s teaching of equanimity this time: spaciousness like the sky and rooted like a mountain or a big tree. With the spaciousness and being rooted, we can mindfully face anything that life might bring us and yes I want that super power that spiritual warriors poses. One image I have been using to evoke the feeling of spaciousness and being rooted, is sitting down in a meditative posture on the top of a mountain overlooking the sky and trees (funny enough I do not hike seriously). One sentence/inquiry that has helped me to access equanimity is this moment is like this. It contains awareness and acceptance, as well as hope. This moment is like this, but that means the next moment may or may not look like this, and that is hope. After this moment is like this, we can gently inquire, what else is here, that usually gently encourage me to look at the okay parts of my life.

Equanimity is a huge practice when it comes to how I related to the retreat. As I mentioned before, we all went through some less than perfect retreat experiences. I was a lot more tired than I hoped, my laptop broke down and I had some of the worse nightmares. Accepting the retreat we are on, the settings we are in is the experience we are having, and practice with whatever comes up, like Anne shared whatever you think is in the way is the way.

4. Metta: center flowers as the most important things in this world, metta about creativity, some more doorways to metta

Metta, loving kindness, arguably is the most well known brahma viharas (heart qualities 四无量心). However again, metta is one quality that I have a hard time connecting to. After listening to Kate Johnson’s dharma talk, one thing that stood out to me metta is centering flowers as the most important thing in this world. Anne then taught about how metta is not about magically wishing everyone’s life has no suffering at all, but to condition our hearts, so that we can act out of love and kindness when people need more love and kindness.

The most important connection to metta for me happened during a silent sit, I suddenly realized that I need to have metta for my own creativity. I know what is good writing, what is good photography and I know my work is not here yet. Somehow I thought bashing myself, and criticizing myself is the way to get to where I want to be with my creativity, but in reality, the overly strict standard just stops me from daring to create and share my creativity with people. Do I dare to share a piece of my creativity when there might be some flowers in an overgrown yard but not all flowers? Do I dare to figure out why good art is good and try to absorb some of the nutrients in my work and have fun creating?

Dawn’s metta meditation is also impactful, having more silence in between metta phrases, add in as much as possible (for example, not wish you to be happy, but wish you be happy as possible), imagining other beings/guides sending me metta instead of trying so hard to sending metta to myself, loving even the part of me that are judgemental and not willing to love myself, all helped me to get more of a taste of metta. Dawn saying that metta practice is her primary practice for almost a decade also was revolutionary for me: oh I do not need to know every practice in this world and even one meditation practice can lead me closer to awakening.

5. Compassion: quivering heart + skillful action; just like me

Compassion, is a heart quality that is so similar to metta, that I still cannot distinguish them clearly, but hey let’s not get lost in the philosophical distinction. Compassion as Leslie Booker explained starts with a quivering heart and leads to skillful action. That quivering heart resonated with me so much. As someone in diaspora, my heart quivers for so many places constantly and skillful actions are not always available for me. It is so easy to give in to compassion’s enemy: overwhelm. For example, my parents are under a covid lockdown and we do not know how long that lock down will last. There is very little I can do across an ocean. Learning when to stop looking at the news, when to do self care, and when to take skillful action is a mindful and rich practice for me. I also need to remind myself that skillful actions to help others do not need to look like grandiose heroic actions, sometimes sharing something as ‘small’ as a flower is enough and is a great first step.

Even when our heart quiver, and when tangible actions are not available, we can still send our compassion: just like me, this person likely has suffered today, even might felt some of the same feelings I felt, I wish you peace and less suffering.

Here is just part 1 of what I learned from the retreat more related to the main teachings. There are a lot of my thoughts and aha moments that will be included in part 2.

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