Ying Gathering

Heal your past, Find your purpose, Live consciously, Self actualize

Ep7: 艺术家的务实人生

Heads up: this episode is an interview in Mandarin with my friend, Merlin. He graduated from Berklee College of Music and now works in Shanghai as music director for a gaming company.

这期节目请到了,我初中时候的好朋友Merlin。他高中就去了美国,大学进入了伯克利音乐学院,学music productioin。现在在上海的一个游戏公司,做music director。这次的促膝长谈,让我意外地发现:他作为一个,搞艺术的,有非常务实和理性的一面,对自己的要求也很高。Merlin也分享了很多实用的方法:如何调整自己的心态,如何对自己有清晰的认知,如何探索自我等等。

Show Notes:

1:30 为什么选择做音乐类型的工作?

3:50 进入伯克利音乐学院之后,群英荟萃,怎么调整自己的心态?

4:25 毕业之后的就业过程是怎么样的?从自己做到广告公司在进入游戏,从乙方到甲方的考虑?

9:43 声音在游戏里起到什么样的作用?音乐和音效有什么不一样的作用?

13:00 自我探索的方式:要认清自己的目标,找到自己喜欢的事情,判断自己在哪里,定计划表,在可行的范围内努力。

14:08 如何定义自己可行的范围

16:35 长远的目标有什么?对技术和代码的学习

18:09 解决问题的快感,与创作的快乐不同在哪里?

18:49 怎么样才能找到自己喜欢做的事情?如何同时考虑现实?

20:24 怎么样才能对自己开始有清晰的认知?身边人的反馈多大程度上有用?

22:25 自己的努力多大程度是内卷,多大程度是自己对自己的要求?

26:26 在钱和创作中要做一个平衡,你会怎么选择?

28:28 给自己的title是什么?

Ep6: 代码灵修元体验|当我们在讨论如何探索人生

所有平台收听链接 pod.link/asmallgathering

A heads up: this episode is an interview recorded in Mandarin, a bit different from my previous episodes.

From studying in Canada, to going back to China to work in Beijing, to being a digital nomad in Southeast Asia, then coming back to Vancouver to work, my guest shared with me what methods have worked her to find her path: exploring new skills and new paths, reflecting back to childhood, and spiritual exploration.

人生探索到底会从什么时候开始,探索的意义到底又是什么?
这集的嘉宾棍老师分享了自己有趣的人生经历,从加拿大读书到硅谷工作,到回北京996,东南亚作数字游民,现在又回到了加拿大。这个过程中棍老师做了非常多的对外探索,对内反思。棍老师这个过程中收获的是什么,ta总结出来的探索方式有哪些,现在想要的是什么呢?

2:25 自我探索是一个自然的过程,会有不同的契机让你开始探索

6:41 在北京的reverse culture shock和reality check,但也有认识有趣的朋友

11:25 数字游民的缘起和体验

14:50 遇到喜欢佛学的老板,开始探索佛学灵修,《正见》

16:15 这段时间是existential crisis吗?怎么度过?

17:50 如果不能换城市换工作,还有什么自我探索的方式?将自己从日常生活中抽离出来

20:39 另一种自我探索的方式,元体验,《大師熱愛的工作》

24:40 现在探索的棍老师感兴趣的点,代码作为看世界的方式和创作工具

31:10 不断去尝试跟这件事情发生链接,有一天会click

32:03 对于灵修会持续感兴趣,需要持续的探索和修正自己走的路

33:38 如何认知人生的迷茫,棍老师对于人生的愿景,想明白自己想做什么,每天真心的快乐

35:17 棍老师的快乐包括什么?如何找自己的快乐?

37:46 棍老师对于工作的期待?帮助的性质和有影响力,思考如何与商业平衡

提到的书籍:

《正见》宗萨蒋扬钦哲仁波切

播客里提到的乐业其实是这本书,《大師熱愛的工作》川村元氣

欢迎大家收听这期节目,欢迎讨论和反馈,请订阅‘小型聚会’。

谢谢棍老师非常真实的分享!

Bread Making, Preferments and More

我发现面包里的一些中文术语,一开始我跟英文对不上。现在终于搞清楚了,总结一下分享给大家。

间接法 using preferments

preferments一般用总面团20-30%的面粉,就是一个单独制作的小面团,先让这个小面团发酵,再把它加入主面团。

preferment包含两大类,一类是纯天然酵母,一类是使用普通商业酵母。

纯天然酵母preferment:sourdough酸面团,levain鲁邦种

使用商业酵母的preferment(这类是家庭做面包更常使用的)

1. Poolish 波兰种,液种

100% 面 : 100% 水 : 0.25% 酵母

室温发酵,15-18小时。

用来制作比较硬的面团,比如法棍,country loaves,crusty breads

2. Biga 毕格种,中种*

100% 面 : 55% 水 : 0.25% 酵母

室温发酵,15-18小时

多用作意大利面包,Ciabatta,Focaccia和其他意大利面包。

因为是比较硬的preferment,多用于制作高水量的面团。

*我还是不是非常确定中种是不是Biga,看了一些比较专业的博主是这么归类的,他们制作的种过年种功能面团也确实更符合这个水面酵母比。但是知乎上有一些文章,把中种说是sponge,但是明显酵母比和发酵时间都对不上。中种面团也可以用到70-100%总面团的面粉,多是冷藏发酵。

3. Pâte Fermentée 法国老面

100% 面 : 60% 水 : 1% 酵母, plus 2% 盐 (唯一一个含盐的种)

室温发酵4-6小时

也可以先发4小时,再冷藏过夜。

什么面团都很合适,尤其适合常常做的面包,可以自己留一块老面。

4. Sponge 海绵种

100% 面 : 60% 水 : 1% 酵母

发半小时到一个半小时,发完就马上用。

适合用于加了蛋奶的enriched面团,甜面团,和无需更多组织的面团比如bagel

Food 52 Preferments 有很多如何转换方子的公式 https://food52.com/blog/17140-preferments-and-how-to-adapt-any-bread-recipe-to-use-one

直接法 not using preferments

1. Tangzhong 汤种法,烫种法

请注意,汤种法不是液种/波兰种(这个翻译太像了)

先将一小部分面粉和液体加热成糊,再加入主面团材料里。(虽然它叫种,但是它没有酵母,所以还是直接法)

这样做可以使得面团吸收更多水份,发得更高,非常松软湿润,更长时间保持口感。

https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/blog/2018/03/26/introduction-to-tangzhong

2. 水合法 Autolyse

将面团里的面粉和液体(包括牛奶,水,蛋液,奶油等等)混合,静置20-60分钟,但也可以冷藏静置更久。水合结束完,再加入盐酵母等等其他材料。

水合的过程中,面粉已经开始产生筋性,可减少揉面时间,更容易塑形。

尤其适合做全麦面包,能保证全麦面粉完全湿润。

水合绝对不可以加的材料是酵母和黄油,会阻碍面筋的组成。

https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/blog/2017/09/29/using-the-autolyse-method

水合,烫种都可以跟preferment结合,一起制作面包。

介绍两个我觉得讲的很清楚的老师

小一点的厨房讲的关于中种 https://youtu.be/DdsgYn2IgA4

米老师讲的关于水合 https://m.dealmoon.com/guide/944768

Engage in the society in a mindful way

“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.” 

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

我很清楚自己在昨天被所看到的新闻改变了,昨晚今早都在想同一个问题:我如何打破以往对于新闻关注的循环。以往是两周陷入新闻里,现实生活照顾不好,两周以后burn out,我再将眼睛调开不再去看。

如同Victor Frank说的一样,我想昨日的新闻,或许是what life expected from我们这一代人collectively. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and right conduct。

然而交出答卷的时间线可能会拉得很长很长,在这漫长的岁月里,我们要如何能做到关注新闻,做力所能及的参与却不完全burn out。我们要如何确保till we meet again的时候,我们不是仅仅剩下一个空壳,内里只有愤怒和苦楚。

这是我之前国会山暴乱之后搜寻的一些资料和自己的一些想法,主要是为了给自己一个简要的起始指南。也分享给大家,请勿转出长毛象。

1. 每个人都必须要去面对这个现实,没有一个人有完整的答案,我们每个人都有拼图的一小部分。我能贡献的是什么呢,最后我的切入点是从自己的character strengths里找到的,spirituality。我也非常期待看到,大家运用自己的长处。

2. Taking a sit is taking a stand。在这个漫长的参与过程中,self care是保持内心平和的重要方式。一些我自己的self care:每天早上冥想45分钟,写三页morning page(很好的自我宣泄但又不会给任何人带来痛苦)情绪上来的话,用shaking & dancing发泄出去。需要练习的是,在危机出现的时候,及时回到自己的身体里,做grounding exercise,与朋友一起观察,我们的情绪出现在身体的何处,按时吃饭睡觉健身。

头两点的来源

National Trauma–Now What? | Jon Kabat-Zinn Special  https://www.happyscribe.com/public/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/313-national-trauma-now-what-jon-kabat-zinn-special-edition

A Wise and Counterintuitive Way to Meditate in a Crisis | Lama Rod Owens https://www.happyscribe.com/public/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/314-a-wise-and-counterintuitive-way-to-meditate-in-a-crisis-lama-rod-owens

3. Engaged Buddhism 入世佛教的14条准则

新版更详细 https://plumvillage.org/mindfulness-practice/the-14-mindfulness-trainings/

旧版更简约 https://www.thewayofmeditation.com.au/14-principles-engaged-buddhism

principle 2 “Do not think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views”

说实话我这两年的社会观点改变了很多,我应该为以前自己怀疑过bbc的报道感到羞耻吗?我可能不这样想。我一时的想法不等同于我整个人,我的想法现在改变了。我就按照新的想法去生活去参与。我希望已经醒悟过来的大家,不要为以前的想法自苦。

principle 3 “Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness”

如果我们醒悟过来的人,观点不完全一致,也是非常正常的。与其彼此指责想到的不够全面,或者做得不够多,也许我们应该更多地跟醒悟了50%的人去沟通。

这一点也与一个播客重叠 How to Call People In (Instead of Calling Them Out) | Loretta Ross https://www.happyscribe.com/public/ten-percent-happier-with-dan-harris/316-how-to-call-people-in-instead-of-calling-them-out-loretta-ross

principle 6 “Do not maintain anger or hatred. Learn to penetrate and transform them when they are still seeds in your consciousness. As soon as they arise, turn your attention to your breath in order to see and understand the nature of your hatred.”

这个可能是我觉得非常重要的一条吧,虽然愤怒会让我们意识到有什么是不对的。但实际去改变的时候,停留在愤怒里,还是转换到一个更mindful的状态,做出来的事情效果可能是不一样的。我相信是内在的平和是可以改变外在的,这一点上我还有想看的书:the inner work of social justice。

4. Buddhism & Social Change 佛教与社会改变

建立community 

分清楚compassion和empathy,empathy是让被别人的情绪分享进来,很容易产生burn out。compassion是一种更积极的情绪,希望对方的状态有所改变。这一点是有一个更具体的视频,我还没看完 https://youtu.be/FVpdon6YErY

Non attachment 要去做事,要去参与,但是不能期待一个一定的结果

Focus on the positive 不要看太多新闻,这是dwell on the beliefs and actions of the foolish。我们做事情是从愤怒状态出发,还是从爱与信心的角度出发

Focus on the goal 长远看来事情一定都是时时刻刻在改变的,没有完美的结局。但是我们的目标,是减少人们的苦痛,减少贪欲等等。

推荐这一个youtube频道,频道主有哲学博士,讲日常非宗教性佛教也是简明清晰。

5. Learned helpless myth 习得性无助的“谎言”

https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu/sites/default/files/learnedhelplessnessat50.pdf

“Passivity in response to shock is not learned. It is the default, unlearned response to prolonged aversive events and it is mediated by the serotonergic activity of the dorsal raphe nucleus, which in turn inhibits escape. This passivity can be overcome by learning control, with the activity of the medial prefrontal cortex, which subserves the detection of control leading to the automatic inhibition of the dorsal raphe nucleus.”

大家都很清楚习得性无助的实验吧,如果动物意识到自己做什么都没有用,结果不会改变,那这个认知会让它们放弃逃跑的行为。

然而50年后,当年发文的作者,又发了一篇paper,链接在上面,表示他们got it backwards。不逃跑,是对于长期负面事件的自然反应,而不是学到的。这个不逃跑,可以通过学习控制,来克服。

如果我们发现身边人对于社会是passive的,不要怪他们,这是正常的反应。相反我们应该,鼓励自己和他人的自主控制,从小事开始一点点参与,一点点建立agency。

6. How to read the news mindfully 如何mindfully读新闻

读新闻是,比起听新闻或者看新闻,来得要容易注意到身体里的情绪。

7. More materials:

The inner work of racial https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/44490676-the-inner-work-of-racial-justice

Plum Village, The Diamond Cutting Through Fear 也是social justice相关的Dharma Talk,我看了一半还没看完

52 weeks of Shabbat Project

What is Shabbat?

Shabbat is the day of rest. In the Torah/Old Testament, God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh day. Thus the seventh day becomes the day of rest, Shabbat. In Judaism, Shabbat is observed from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset. Different sects of Judaism and different individuals have their own rules to follow.

The most strict version of Shabbat rules stay the same in my understanding:

– no work (reading is allowed but not writing, cannot sign contracts)

– cannot start a fire (thus no cooking, no driving)

– no electricity (thus no phones, tv, internet, etc, you can leave the lights on just don’t touch the switch)

– spiritual time (going to synagogue for service, personal scripture reading time)

– rest (naps and walks are popular Shabbat activities)

– community time (big Shabbat meals with family and friends, cooking is done in advance and dishes are usually kept warm in the oven or heating plate)

In recent years, more Christians start to observe Shabbat in their own form. Their Shabbat usually happens on Sunday and still consists of spiritual time, family time, rest, a break from technology.

Interesting fact since sunset time changes through the year, Shabbat starts a lot earlier in winter due to daylight saving time compared to in summer.

The sabbatical is of course related to the word, Shabbat.

Why do I want to observe Shabbat?

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I realized last year the exhaustion from overstimulation is very real. 2020 had never ending news and I was drained after each week.

Elaine Aron, who is the pioneer of researching HSP, suggests hsp taking at least 2 hours each day and one full day each week to rest (no chores, no technology). The time is used to let our brain process information, get general rest, and replenish for the new day and week. Honestly, I suck at staying away from my phone at the end of the day. I still need to implement my rest somehow, so weekly Shabbat seems to be a good solution.

I want a pause in my week, a time I can just be in the present without worrying about keeping up with the world(I am aware that is a privilege), a time I can reflect and rest, a time I can be with my family fully, a time I firmly choose to stay away from technology and its endless stimulation.

Last year I have tried out a smaller version of Shabbat. Just by not doing my daily reading for a day, I felt much more rejuvenated after the weekend and more productive during the week.

This year I want to test out if a more full-fledged Shabbat can make me more rested and peaceful.

How will I observe Shabbat?

Most likely I will observe my Shabbat on Sunday, starting from the half-day. I want to work on increasing it to a full day. I want to use Shabbat as an incentive for me to clean more on Saturday as part of Shabbat prepping.

I will still use technology to read for fun but try my best to stay away from the internet. I will allow myself to cook and journal. I am going to avoid chores such as cleaning and grocery. I will encourage myself to meditate longer, to nap more, to take more walks.

Weekly Update

I will try my best to document what happened each week on my Shabbat. Following my journey by revisiting this post periodically.

Jan. 9th, 2021

My 1st Shabbat happened on a Saturday afternoon. I used hours looking through my cookbooks for easy recipes to cook for the next few weeks. I did not rush myself and fully enjoyed the experience. I then talked to my partner and we took hour-long naps.

How to Rebalance Yourself

So you are upset or anxious, or overexcited, now what? Here are your potential options to rebalance your emotions.

Generally, we have 3 options while dealing with our emotions: option 1 turn towards our emotions, option 2 turn away from our emotions, option 3 express our emotions.

Option 1: Turn towards our emotions

1A: Work through our emotions with emotion comforting

This is what I am most familiar with. I expect myself or someone else to comfort me: saying kind words, letting me know everything is going to be okay, echoing my opinions. It works sometimes, but other times my ego gets in the way. My ego will tell endless stories and interpretations of the situation. This option usually takes solid half an hour or even longer and usually involves a lot of crying.

1B: Work though our emotions using logic

This is analyzing your way out of the situation. Maybe self-correcting some thinking traps. Proposing alternative understanding and solutions.
There is nothing wrong with it, but it does not work on me when I, a highly sensitive person, am in full emotional tsunami mode. I usually use this option after I have calmed down to notice what might have triggered me this time.

1C: work through our emotions using body calming techniques

This is the whole reason why I want to write this post.
When we are off balance emotionally, we perceive whatever situation we are in as a real threat. We are in full-on fight or flight mode, that is potentially why emotional comforting and logic might not work.
Calm our body down can let the brain and nerve systems know, okay we are safe. Then it’s much easier for our logic and emotion to bridge again.

Some ways to calm our body down:
2:1 breathing
Exhale twice as long as we inhale. This is one simple exercise we can do to almost immediately calm our nerve system. Long exhale was only reserved for our ancestors who successfully escaped danger, thus it sends signals to our body: we are safe.

A great 2:1 breathing resource https://youtu.be/Lysn2Zoio8Y

Shaking & Dancing
Shake all the excess energy and cortisol out. This approach has long been used by shamanic traditions. In modern days, somatic healing of trauma also has adopted this practice. If you have seen animals in the wild, after they have been chased by predators, they shake in their safe place. That is how they rebalance. Thus shaking & dancing can help us rebalance too.

Additional resource on shaking and dancing https://cmbm.org/thetransformation/resources/

Exercise and taking a bath also work great as ways to calm down our nerves and rebalance ourselves.

1d: work through our emotions using inner body

I just re-listened to the chapter on the inner body from ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckart Tole.
He stated that when we are facing a trigger, before our mind can go on to project all emotions and stories, turn all our consciousness into our inner body. This way we can reconnect with the peacefulness of the present moment.
I tested it out this morning while checking my canker sore. I tend to over-worry about every little body symptoms I have. I go on and on googling about possible diseases and always wind up thinking: oh what if this is cancer.
This morning I remembered Eckart Tole’s advice. I took a deep breath. Pay attention to my hand, then my entire upper body, then my abdomen, then my lower body. That is how you sense your inner body.
Magically all anxious thoughts disappeared. Maybe it is true that the mind and ego cannot exist in the present moment. By tuning into our inner body and the present moment, we short circuit all the crazy stories our minds could have told us.

Option 2: Turn away from our emotions.
This is when we use shows, games, shopping, and other entertainment to get away from our emotions a bit. There is nothing wrong with it as long as we are aware of what we are doing. Sometimes it is even necessary to move away from our emotions after we have fully explored them.
Unfortunately, this option does not work for me usually. Even with a short escape from my emotions, they come back tenfold.

Option 3: Express our emotions
Finally, we can always express our emotions to ourselves with journaling or express our emotions to other people. Calling for help is a natural build in response to threat and danger.
The key here is I am my emotional first responder. If I start to expect others to fill that role for me, I tend to get more upset if external help is not available immediately.
Meditation is a great container to let our emotions out in a safe way.

Hopefully, this blog post can help you rebalance. Remember it is okay to have bad days and we have lots of options and resources to face them.

100 day of meditation- what I learned

1. Detach from expectation

Maybe yesterday I had a great meditation day, but I would not expect the same today. Every day is different. My mood and energy fluctuate a lot every day and that is okay. Stop the expectation game.  give yourself more chance to mingle with reality. In the end, any kind of meditation day is okay.

2. Have a go-to meditation when you absolutely do not feel like meditating

For me, it is a 5-minute box breathing. No matter how tired or uninspired I am, I can always do a 5-minute box breathing. Then sometimes magic happens like what the ‘2-minute rule’ states. I planned to only do the box breathing, ended up doing unguided meditation for 15 minutes after that.

3. Figure out your own meditation time

Just because every meditation teacher says you need to meditate upon waking up, does not mean you need to do it. Of course, give it a try, but ultimately give yourself the liberty to find out what works for you. A little hint is when you have your brain fog the most. You know that feeling, when you are tired, a little more irritated than usual, you know you need to take care of something but you are just sitting on the sofa. For me, this brain frog always happens in the late afternoon. That is when I meditate and it helps me to recoup some energy and freshness to go into the night.

4. Try exploring different kinds of meditations, then mix and match.

There are 3 big types of meditations: mindfulness meditation, concentrative mediation, and expressive meditation. ‘The Transformation’ by James Gordon is a great read on this topic.

If I need to release a lot of emotions, I always turn to expressive meditation first (shaking and dancing) then I might transition into unguided mindfulness meditation.

Recently I started to do a 5-minute concentrative meditation first before I do my unguided meditation. It helps me to quiet my mind and better enter the mindful place.

It is a lot of fun for me to figure out what mix & match I need today to bring me back to balance.

5. You can be your own emotional first responder

With meditation, I learn to be my own emotional first responder. I never dreamed it could happen. When sh*t hits the fan, I always cry myself into exhaustion and/or ask for emotional support from my friends and partner. Now I always have a safe place (meditation) and a safe person (myself or my higher self or my inner wise guide) to turn to when I am upset. The good news is that this safe place and safe person are always with me. Knowing I can face my emotions alone in a safe setting gives me so much strength and comfort.

6. My emotions are valid but they do not have to control me or guide my life.

Being with my (strong) emotions in the safe setting of meditation for me is a way to honor my emotions, to tell them yes I see you, yes you are valid, yes you can feel that way. After this validation process, usually, the emotions start to fade and my logic starts to emerge again. Then I am in a more balanced state to decide what to say or what not to say, what to do or what not to do. 

7. Transcending the good day/bad day binary thinking

Figuring out how to meditate every day has unexpectedly help me to transcend the good day/bad day binary thinking. Now on a bad stretch of the day, I still encourage myself ‘do not give up on today just yet’. Maybe all I need is a little nap or mediation, then I am all rejuvenated again to face the next stretch. Maybe there are not inherently bad days, maybe I just need to figure out how to bring myself back to balance from moment to moment.

8. 100-day project works

For me, it feels like going to a specific playground. I go there every day and naturally I discover how it is different today. I think about playing there a lot so I naturally receive new ideas on what to explore next. 

三个思维模型:乐观幸福韧性

面对变局,面对未知,我们应该怎么面对呢?分享3个从积极心理学里,学到的思维模型:乐观,幸福,韧性。

乐观/Optimism

乐观的思维,主要体现在人如何认知问题上。认为问题是暂时的 temporary,局部的 local,我们可以去影响改变的,即为乐观。

我天生是一个比较悲观的人,今年常常问自己:这件事情是永久的吗,这件事情我真的完全不可改变吗,这件事情真的会影响到我所有的生活吗。

把乐观具像化,减少内耗,保存精力。

幸福/Happiness

这个是积极心理学之父Martin Seligman的模型 PERMA

Positive Emotion 正向情绪,包括快乐,感动,对自然的敬畏等等

Engagement 对当下所做的事情的沉浸

Relationship 人际关系

Meaning 意义

Accomplishment 成就

对于世界未知变动感到不安的时候,我主要依靠意义和人际关系。而我的正向情绪和沉浸度都会下降。这个时候我就用forest/番茄时钟,保持短时间的沉浸度。正向情绪的保底措施,是冥想健身和写gratitude journal。

不同时间段的挑战都不一样,会导致各个变量的起伏。适时复盘调整,才能拥有更平衡持久的幸福。

韧性/Resilience

Biology 生理

Self-Awareness 自我觉察

Self-Regulation 自我调节约束

Mental Agility 认知灵活,可以从不同方面看问题

Optimism 乐观

Self-Efficacy/Mastery 自我成就

Connection 联结(与人,与神,与自然)

Positive Institution 好的机构

8个变量里完全受我们控制的是self-awareness, self-regulation, mental agility, self-efficacy。这几个变量,冥想/mindfulness都可以帮助我们练习。

Biology和Optimism,都有一定的先天决定的程度,但是后天是可以改变的。

Connection和Positive Institution都是有他人,外界的影响了。

控制我们可以控制的四项,尽量cultivate其他的变量,尽人事听天命。

好今天的mental model就分享到这里,下次分享intrinsic motivation内在驱动和self efficacy自我成就。

如何养育HSP小孩 – HSP part 2

先声明一下,我本人还没有小孩,但是我有参考一些博客和书籍来写这篇文章。这些建议,也适用于reparent自己,帮助hsp的自己成长起来。

  1. Overstimulation/Sensory Sensitivity

这两个特点联系比较紧密,我就放在一起讲了。

避免过度忙碌

Hsp小孩需要安静的环境,也需要不用脑的时间。对于他们来说,排的太满的时间表,不是一件好事情,他们还需要很多睡眠。放到国内的情况来说,尽量不要周末都排满补习班,写完学校作业也尽量不要让他们再写别的习题了。

不用脑的时候,可以安排一些简单的身体锻炼,简单的家务。让他们的脑子休息,进行自由联想,回想并且产生对世界和自我的认知。

有节制地享受

他们有可能写完作业以后,需要做自己想做的事情。与其跟他们说不能玩,还不如帮助他们有节制地享受他们喜爱的事情。这一点强调是因为,HSP有时候会对某个事情感兴趣,几个小时扑在上面,在自己意识到之前就精力迅速下降。小孩子可能需要家长,来帮忙把控这个探索未知世界以及保持精力的平衡度,尽量避免出现被过度刺激的情况。

长时间过渡

HSP小孩在不同的活动之间,需要比较长的过渡时间。比如,早起睡前,都可以给他们留更多的时间,来给他们慢慢过渡。HSP妈妈可以跟HSP小孩,约定好早上给彼此留慢慢苏醒的时间。

提前储存精力

如果有繁忙的考试周来临之前,先提前帮助他们存储好更多down time带来的精力,保证他们忙起来不会精力耗尽。

  1. Emotional Reactivity/ Empathy

接受情绪

首先要接受hsp的特性,接受他们的所有的情绪,也帮助他们自我接受。其实比情绪更难受的,是对情绪的批判judgement。让他们感受到自己的情绪被看到,被接受,是正常的。

管理情绪

如果小孩现在是情绪上头的状态,首先,让他们稳定下来。散步洗澡呼吸,不管怎么样先稳定下来。其次,让他们知道,情绪都是正常的,情绪不是你整个人,情绪是暂时的,情绪是会过去的。你有能力,把注意力放在更有帮助的情绪和想法上。

这里插播一个很好的自我慈悲的四部曲。第一,承认当下的痛苦。第二,正常化validate自己的情绪。家长可以告诉小孩,我以前什么时候也有这样的情绪,或者说当然别人遇到这个情况也会有这样的情绪的。第三,把手放在胸前,或者给自己一个拥抱,通过身体告诉自己现在是安全的。第四,重复一些自我鼓励的话,一切都会过去,我有能力选择自己的情绪等等。

情绪复盘

接下来小孩子比较冷静之后,帮他们复盘。复盘小技巧PIES,physical实际上发生了什么(比如我这次数学考了70分),intellectual我是怎么认知这个事情的(我数学不好就是很笨),emotional简单几个词描述情绪(失望,害怕,嫉妒别人)spiritual我实际上想要什么(我想要数学变得更好,可是比较数学我更喜欢文科)这个复盘不一定需要小孩说出来,有时候写更容易。

了解了小孩想什么之后,指出可能出现的思维陷阱(过于黑白二元对立/认为自己知道别人在想什么/灾难性放大缺点等等)。一次考试七十,不等于数学就不好了,以前也有考的好的时候。数学好不好,也不是考试一个角度决定的。一门课一次没考好,不等于一个小孩笨,你还有很多长处和优点。

指出陷阱之后,可以帮助他们思考如何用他们的优点来处理眼前的问题。而不是简单的,你要更努力,你要更上进,你要下死功夫。比如我自己,就不太擅长坚持到底把事情做完。这个时候如果有人跟我讲,你要坚持下去,我也感受不到。但是我的优点之一是love of learning,我可以说服自己,完成一件事最后20%,可能会意想不到的收获,学到更多。这个就是strength based parenting讲的主题,推荐一下strength switch这本书。

hsp更有可能出现,情绪和逻辑不能同时出现的时候,因为我们过载了。这个情绪复盘,就是一个把情绪和逻辑重新连接起来的过程。

感知身体

一般情绪上头以前,我们会有身体的感知,比如肩背僵硬,比如头疼,比如呼吸急促等等。复盘还有一点,就是帮小孩回忆,过载以前有没有什么身体信号。下一次有这些身体信号的时候,先深呼吸,先出去走走,(上一篇文章就是讲这个的)预先缓和下来,避免情绪过载。、

我非常推荐身体上的调节,因为有时候情绪和想法不能一时之间改变。但是我们总是能做深呼吸,总是能拉伸一下,这给到一个我们可以改变,我们是可以掌控这个状况的认知。这个认知符合积极的三个要素:问题是是短暂的,局部的,可以被我们调整解决的。

强调长处

hsp是好的感受更好,坏的感受也更坏。所以家长可以做的就是强调他们的优点长处,他们能吸收到更多的养分。

  1. Depth of Processing

如何规范小孩

我听的播客里反复强调了,不要以强硬手段管理hsp。给他们需要的足够的讯息,告诉他们你可行具体的期待,非常清楚地沟通你需要他们做什么,他们一般都会做的很好。也许是因为hsp小孩想很多,你跟他们说不要这样做,他们会想为什么不能呢,为什么别人可以我不可以,我几岁才可以。与其让他们想,不如先就解释清楚。hsp小孩,是最适合用成人化方式沟通的。

新事物可能都要更长时间适应

hsp对于新地方,陌生人,新的计划等等都需要更长的时间来思考,来适应。给他们留足这些思考的时间,需要的话带他们预先去看要去的地方或者,预习要面对的事情。还有要,管理自己的期待,比如不要期待hsp小孩和hsp妈妈会更任何人打成一片。

帮小孩打破必须做好的自我期待

这也是我新学到的一点,hsp很希望把事情做好,最好第一次就做好。在我自己身上的体现是,我不愿意去尝试没有把握的事情。我对于上手不快的新事物,没有耐心甚至害怕自己永远学不会。小孩要成长,必然要尝试没有把握的事情。这里有三点建议,一个是帮助他们调整对自己的期待(上手慢一点也是正常的,没关系)。二是帮他们找到低压力低后果的情况练习(比如给自己烧菜vs给客人烧菜,给自己烧菜就是很好的练习场景)。三是哪怕他们没做好也接受他们,鼓励他们,帮助他们头脑风暴如何用优点下次做的更好。

  1. 一些大方向建议

hsp妈妈一定要保证自己的安静时间,哪怕是每一个小时花五分钟呼吸,看看外面的树木。先照顾好自己,才能照顾好他人。

因为hsp小孩的特质,他们会非常清楚家庭在发生什么,可能的话对他们诚实一些。但是家长不要对hsp小孩诉苦,因为hsp小孩有讨好人的倾向又非常擅长不做情绪,有时候我们会成为家长的情绪垃圾桶。

家长要建立自己的可以倾诉的朋友,也要帮助小孩建立这样的朋友,hsp小孩会更容易理解hsp小孩。

对于成年hsp来说,坏的童年对我们是会有很大的影响的。但是人是可以有post traumatic growth的(灾难后的成长),如果你是hsp觉得童年没有获得相应的支持,推荐一下cptsd这本书。

再强调一次,注重hsp个人的优点,强调他们的长处,扬长自然能避短。

Reference:

The Strength Switch

Women in depth #88 Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child https://youtu.be/oUIUucbWhZs

Women in depth #84 The Highly Sensitive Mother https://youtu.be/qJ3qhEV9MJQ

Ep5: How to Improve Daily Communication (4 Practical Tips)

Listening on all platforms: https://pod.link/asmallgathering/episode/5c32c99520a1c3c21f74d65e543859cb

Dealing with our loved ones every day during the lockdown can pose a challenge for us. In this episode, I offer you four tips to improve your daily communication.

Tip 1: Being Curious

Tip 2: Clarifying and Validating

Tip 3: Acknowledging

Tip 4: Offering up

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